How Many Miles From Babylon
by AMBC
Summary: The second installment of South Park: Religion Exposed. The boys and Charlie journey to Iraq to find the missing Super Best Friends while a group of theologists stumble upon a secret devise invented by Albert Einstein. Stars ThreadbareSP's fanon character Charlie. Not suitable for those who take religion seriously. Leave a review after reading.
1. Chapter 1

**Part 2 of South Park: Religion Exposed. The title is a spoof of the novel How Many Miles to Babylon, for those who heard of it. Keep in mind that this part will tend to focus more on Butters and the religious figures but the boys will have an equal role in this, so don't worry.**

**Chapter 1**

The clouds around Olympus swirled an ugly grey as mist surrounded the Greek domain. Somewhere in the distance, thunder was heard.

"Armageddon may soon be upon us again." Athena muttered as the Olympians watched the clouds through the glass dome.

"Aw, hell no." Zeus cried. He sincerely cannot stand another day that was marked with destruction.

"What will we do?" Aphrodite asked, "We can't just sit around and do nothing, not with Hermes captured and an old evil lurking around in the Mortal World."

"We can always go to Valhalla and ask the Norse Deities to help us." Said Hephaestus.

Zeus thought for a moment about what the smith God said, "…Don't be an idiot Hephaestus, the Norse Deities are axe wielding psychos. I know because I still have that scar up my ass from where Odin hit me."

"None of those are important," Hestia replied, "I think we should focus more on getting Hermes back right now."

"She's right," Said Zeus, walking in front of the Olympians, "here's the plan; Artemis, Apollo, you journey down to the Mortal World and rescue Hermes while the rest of us stay here and try to find the half-mortals on the sphere. Iris will be able teleported you two there.

As the twin Olympians left for their journey to the Mortal World, Hestia turned to the sphere, "Hephaestus, did you contact our agent about what's going on?"

"Yeah, he's fully informed and will do whatever it takes to stop this crisis."

The Goddess of the Home nodded, "Then all we can now is pray that we're not too late."

A deep throbbing in his head was the first thing Zoroaster felt when his consciousness returned. Groaning slightly, his senses slowly returned to him, allowing him to hear voices around him.

"I think he's waking up." A male child's voice echoed. When the aching in his head faded a bit, Zoroaster slowly opened his eyes to find the face of Butters Stotch staring back at him.

"Yep, you're awake alright." Butters said happily.

"Yeah, I'm back to reality," Zoroaster said groggily, "will you god-damn move? I need space you know."

"Sorry." Said Butters as he moved back, allowing the prophet to get up from his lying position and clutch his head in both hands.

"The next time you say there's a bookshelf heading straight towards me," Zoroaster mumbled, "warn me before I waste the last of my energy on a shield."

"Good to see you're alright," Jesus appeared beside Butters, with Karen McCormick hiding behind him, "for a minute there I thought you were never gonna regain consciousness."

"Yeah well, I did." Said Zoroaster as he struggled to stand up. After finding his balance he began to take in his surroundings. He was in a room that was completely dark minus a few torches illuminating it. The walls looked to be made from ancient stone, but not crumbling. The floor too was made from stone. They both were a golden yellow colour.

"Okay, where are we?"

"I don't know," Jesus replied, "that portal that we were sucked into appears to have brought us all here."

Zoroaster wondered around the room a bit, taking in the whole interior of the place before realising something, "Ho boy…"

"What?" Jesus asked, believing that the prophet may have an answer.

"You guys aren't gonna believe this," Zoroaster said, turning to the group, "but I think we're inside a temple."

"A_ temple_?" Jesus repeated the last words as a question.

"Yeah, and by the looks of it, I'd say this is one of the few temples on the world still standing."

"Great Scott." Whispered Jesus.

"Wha-what is that?"

"What?"

"Why are you saying 'Great Scott' like you're Superman or something? I mean, get real, you're not Superman."

"We can't stay here," Butters said, almost desperately, "we could all die in here. How do we get out?"

"I think the only option is to explore the temple in order to find a way out." Said Jesus. He silently agreed with Butters that they get out. Although he and Zoroaster can survive a few years without food and water, Butters and Karen were not religious figures and the two wouldn't survive in a temple like this.

"Alright, I'll lead." Said Zoroaster as he tucked his staff in his golden fabric. He thanked his stars that the staff also got sucked into the portal. He moved to the exit of the room they were in ahead of the others.

"This is a trick one of my earliest followers taught me," Zoroaster explained to the others, "it'll help us see in the dark." He snapped his fingers and a white flame appeared on the palm of his hand. Karen looked at the flame in awe.

"You sure have a certain amount of control over the fire element." Said Jesus, slightly impressed at what Zoroaster did.

"Doesn't it hurt?" Butters asked.

"If it did, I would be running around trying to put it out, now c'mon, we got an exit to find."

The others followed Zoroaster out of the room and into a long passage way.

"I sure hope we find a way out soon." Said Butters.

"I hope so too My Child," Said Jesus, "I hope so too."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"Okay, so here's the plan," Nurse Gollum addressed the kids while they were on the plane, "We arrive in Iraq, go to the ruined city of Babylon, find the Super Best Friends and get out of the country as fast as possible."

"Why Babylon?" Stan Marsh asked.

"We believe that Babylon was where the Super Best Friends were last sited before they disappeared," Explained Gollum, "if we could find anything out of the ordinary there, it might lead us to them."

"I admit I'm pretty nervous about going into a war-zone country." Said Andrew.

"Well, from my past experience there, I know that as long as we don't bring unnecessary attention, we'll be okay." Stan assured the Greek boy.

"You've been to Iraq before?"

"Yeah, me, Kyle and Cartman went there once to rescue Santa Clause."

In another row of seats Kyle Bloflovski looked at his girlfriend Charlie Pierzynski, who was staring at the plane window, "Something wrong?"

"I just don't see the point in this," Said Charlie, "we'll just end up on some wild goose chase."

"…You still think religious figures don't exist, do you?"

Charlie looked at her boyfriend, "I made it perfectly clear back in Alethea about my belief and I still keep a firm grip on it."

"Well yeah…" Kyle said slowly, trying to choose the words carefully so he won't upset her, "but let's say we actually _did_ find religious figures, actual religious figures, and that proves that your beliefs are wrong, would you still believe that religious figures aren't real?"

"That's not possible Kyle."

"Think about it. Do you remember when I made that bet with Cartman about leprechauns and when we found out that song about that headless ghost was real? I'm just saying it might be possible."

"You're starting to sound like the fatass yourself," Charlie exclaimed, poking Kyle playfully, "seriously though, I know religious figures aren't real. We have no proof of anything that they're real."

Kyle decided not to press the issue further and turned to talk to his other friend Kenny McCormick. Although he wasn't close to Kenny as he was to Stan, he still considered him his friend.

"Honestly, this doesn't make any sense," He whispered to Kenny so Charlie couldn't hear, "why would the atheists want to get rid of the Super Best Friends by dumping them all in Babylon?"

"Dude, they're atheists," Kenny answered. He agreed to help save the Super Best Friends, even though he didn't knew them as well as Stan and Kyle did, "they don't like a bunch of holy beings walking around the place conflicting with their beliefs."

Kyle shook his head, "I don't know. I have this feeling that there's something else going on, that doesn't involve beliefs."

Meanwhile back at the Pentagon.

"All right gentlemen, listen up," The General addressed a group of specialists, "yesterday afternoon, a religious figure that we keeping locked up here for 64 years has broken out. The government relied on us to keep it hidden from the public now we plan to lock it back here again. So you are all gathered here to help find ways to bring the religious figure back to us."

"Um…" One specialist began to speak, "we could use tasers on him."

"Too predictable," The General said, "besides, the religious figure may be unaffected."

"We could ask him about his feelings." Another specialist replied.

"This a _religious figure_! Not an alien!" The General cried, "Unlike aliens, religious figures are human beings!"

"Oh…right."

"Sir!" A tech rushed into the meeting room, "We just discovered something disturbing on the world radar."

"What is it?"

"Well when we looked at it we found that there were other religious figures besides the one that escaped scattered around the ruined city of Babylon."

"You mean…"

"Yes, there is more than one religious figure out there."

"My God," The General whispered, "the ruined city of Babylon is a thriving area for religious figures. No wonder people are afraid to come near Iraq! Quick, somebody get a missile ready! We're going to nuke Babylon."

"Not so fast general." Everyone turned to the source of the British voice, where they found at the entrance a scientist in a white lab coat with a red bow tie. He was bald on top but had gray poofy hair on the sides of his head and a grey moustache. He wore rectangular framed glasses as well. "You cannot just run headfirst into a situation without studying it."

"Who are you and how did you manage to get past security? The General demanded.

"I am Doctor Vosknocker," The scientist said, "I broke into this place through Sector Two. It's easy to break into the Pentagon you know."

"Doctor or not, this situation is none of your concern." The General exclaimed.

"Actually, it is," Said Vosknocker, "I understand that you're experiencing a small problem concerning religious figures."

Everyone looked with surprise at the scientist, "Yeah," The General admitted, "how did you know?"

"The year was 1955," Explained Vosknocker, "I was one of the scientists who worked to make our technology more advanced than the Russians. During that time, the previous general summoned me here and showed me the deepest secret hidden in the Pentagon, which was the religious figure you are trying to capture."

"…So, what does all that have to do with what's going?" The General asked.

Vosknocker walked towards the table. When he got there he placed something on the table. The General leaned forward to look at the object. It looked like a baby monitor, but with a button underneath it.

"Your predecessor ordered me to plant a chip in the base of the religious figure's skull in the event that if it ever escapes we can track it down with this. Of course, he kicked me out after I did that."

"Doesn't look much," The General replied, "I don't see a screen or image or anything."

"That's because it wasn't designed to use images," Explained Vosknocker, "the chip was designed so we can hear what the religious figure hears."

As the scientist activated the devise, the General asked, "So, we'll know what he's hearing, but we won't know what he's seeing?"

"That it!" The devise was turned on and voices can be head over minor static.

"_Hey Jesus. Did you see that green dot on the wall?"_ A male voice was heard on the devise.

"That's our religious figure!" The General exclaimed, then he thought for a moment at what the voice said, "…Did he just say Jesus?"

"_What are you talking about Zoroaster?"_ Another male voice was heard, slightly different from the last one.

"_That giant green dot that keeps staring me in the face!"_

"…_Dude, I don't see anything."_

"_You're looking at it right now!"_

"_Aw Jeez, I'm starting to think that bump on the head did more to you than just knock you out." _A third voice was heard on the devise.

"Vosknocker, wasn't that kid's voice just there?"

"I believe it was general," The scientist replied, "I think it's best to wait and listen to what they're saying before you do anything reckless. If you ask me, this is all going to lead to a very interesting predicament."

**For those who remember the South Park movie, Vosknocker was the scientist who made the anti-swearing V-chips. That's right, he appeared in the movie, so technically he a canon character.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Has anyone seen Winnates and Eisen?"

A campsite was set up in a forest where a group of theologists were. They were there to study the existence of religious figures and right now they were waiting for two of their own to come back.

"They said they've gone to explore the woods to see if they could find anything useful." One theologist said.

"Well they're sure taking their sweet time with it."

"Hey!" Two theologists, both male and female ran out of the woods to the campsite.

"About time you returned," Another theologist said, "where were you?"

"We were trying to gather more information about religious figures." Winnates, the female theologist answered.

"We found something…interesting while we were trying to find information." The male theologist Eisen showed the other theologists the journal the he and Winnates found earlier.

"A book?"

"Wha-no this isn't a book," Said Eisen, "this is the journal of the late scientist Albert Einstein."

"…And what does that have to do with what we're trying to find out?" One theologist asked.

"Oh c'mon, do you know what this is?" Eisen asked incredulous, "this journal belonged to one of the greatest minds that ever existed." He opened the journal to look at the pages, "It has sentimental value."

"…Right, well while you're looking at an old journal we'll review what we learned so far."

"Right," Winnates walked towards a computer and typed a few words on the keyboard. Random images popped up onto the screen, "Here's what we learned so far; At random years, something would fall from the sky and land onto earth, people believed these things that fell onto earth were shooting stars. Of course there were conspiracies on whether they actually were shooting stars because even though they left craters in the ground, there was never anything in them. The star falling pattern began in 1948 and went on until 1992 when the shooting stars stopped appearing."

"You don't think there's a connection between that and what we're trying to find out do you?" A theologist asked.

"I'm not sure," Winnates answered, "But there might be."

"Uh guys," Eisen's voice caught the theologists' attention, "you may want to listen to this."

"Eisen, that journal is totally unrelated to what we're trying to find-"

"Just listen," Eisen began to read a page from the journal, "I have created this devise, to prove that there are more than just us human beings on this planet. During its testing, I have discovered that it did much more than I had hoped it would do, that this contraption has a side to it more sinister than sincere. Its ability not only showed proof of a religious figure's existence, but from what I have seen, proof of their resurrection as well. I fear I may have started a chain reaction that's only going to get out of hand."

Winnates walked over to the theologist, "He wrote that in the journal?"

"Yeah, it's right here," Eisen showed the page to her, "the date isn't there but it says that it was written sometime in 1948, the year the shooting stars appeared."

"I wonder…" Winnates said absently as she looked at the journal entry, "What if he had something to do with it?"

"Do with what?" Asked a theologist.

"Think about it," Explained Winnates, "What if Einstein found a way to bring religious figures back to life? What if he was responsible for the shooting stars? What if the shooting stars were the religious figures themselves? What if all the answers lied in the devise Einstein mentioned in this entry?"

"Do you really think he's connected to what we're trying to find out?" Eisen asked.

"There's a strong chance he might be," Winnates replied, "and this entry is living proof about it."

The other theologists took in what Winnates said before they burst out laughing.

"Einstein? Bringing holy beings back to life? Yeah right!"

"Einstein was a scientist; he would never _think_ to make something like that!"

"Yeah, science and religion don't mix Winnates! It wouldn't make any sense if religious figures were brought back from the dead by science."

"Now hold on a minute here," A brown skinned theologist, who looked to be the oldest silenced the others, "this is all speculation, we don't know if he did do it or not."

"What are you saying Professor Rhinestone?" Asked Eisen.

"While I believe Winnates may be on to something, we can't be fully sure unless we investigate. Now does anyone know where Einstein's old house is?"

"It's in New Jersey." Winnates answered.

"Great, we'll send our best theologists there to investigate. If they find the devise that Einstein mentioned then we have proof that you are right." Rhinestone walked a few distances from the others until he was out of earshot, "I hope to God you're right Winnates," He looked up at the sky, "sometimes, some legends are true."

"Get them!"

"Death to the infidels!"

"Aw dude seriously, can you let us off just once?" Stan, Gollum and the others were running for their lives around the city of Babylon, trying to get away from Iraqi soldiers. They have only been here ten minutes and already someone tries to kill them.

"If this is about the war America started in your country," Andrew called out to them, "let me assure you that it was to some extent, out of line."

"Try not to make it worse!" Cried Kyle.

"Quick, hide in here!" Gollum led the kids behind a huge temple that looked as if it hadn't crumbled down yet. It also proved to be the perfect hiding place because the Iraqi ran right past them when they were hiding there.

"Shit, that was close." Kenny breathed deeply, trying to catch his breath.

"We'll never be able to find the Super Best Friends like this." Muttered Gollum.

"We should've stayed in the hotel all day." Said Charlie.

"I don't think that would've made much of a difference Charlie." Said Stan. At that moment, the wall of the temple opened and the group found themselves being pulled in by white-sleeved arms.

"Dude, what the hell?"

"Hey, let go of me!"

"Somebody, help!"

When they were all inside the temple, the wall began to close again.

"Okay, so that's one train ticket to Wyoming." The clerk gave the ticket to the next boarder, "do you take cash or card?"

"Here's my card." Kyle younger brother Ike showed the clerk the card. He passed it through the register.

"Okay, everything seems to be in order, though I've never seen the back of a card written in crayon before but I suppose that's what a child's writing is supposed be like," He gave the card back to Ike, "have a safe trip."

Ike got on the train and waited for it to leave for the state he wanted to go to.

"I poop my pants." Said Ike. He was determined to go to the destined state even if it killed him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"This place is so nice," Said Zoroaster as he, Butters, Jesus and Karen explored the temple, looking for a way out, "We should buy this place and I'm not just saying it, we're gonna do it the moment we get out."

"Zoroaster," Jesus said slowly, "are you feeling alright?"

"What're you talkin' about? I'm enif.

"…Okay, well it's just that you keep saying there's green dots on the walls…"

"Which there are! Look there's one right now!"

"…And you're talking about buying a temple and you just said 'fine' backwards…" Then Jesus realised something, "you're not by any chance suffering from a concussion, are you?"

"Don't be stu-pid Jesuis," Said Zoroaster as he turned to look at Jesus, "I got a white flame glowing in my hand, though I have no idea where that came from, so it's proof that I don't have a concussion. Besides, religious figures don't get concussions."

"Unless they get bashed in the head," Said Jesus, "religious figures may be divine beings but we are most definitely not invulnerable."

"Hey, who's the one with the flame? You or me?" Zoroaster turned to walk off only to bump into a wall, "What the-I could've sworn there was a door here."

Jesus groaned and put his face in his hands. Zoroaster had a concussion all right.

"Jesus, I'm scared." Karen whispered as she clung to his robes in fear.

"It's going to be okay My Child. You are in the presence of divine beings. Nothing can harm you." Zoroaster tried to push the wall he bumped into with worthless effort, "…Okay, maybe we're kind of stuck…"

"Why did I agree to this?" Butters asked himself, "I should've learned by now that bad stuff always happens every time I agree to help people and now, I'm gonna get grounded for sure, or maybe even die in this temple!"

"Do you always whine this much?" Zoroaster asked the puffball.

"I…"

"Everyone be quiet." Jesus said suddenly, almost urgently. For a moment there he thought he heard faint footsteps that slightly shook the ground. The footsteps were heard again this time louder and they sounded like they were getting closer.

"Zoroaster, put out that flame."

"Fuck no. We need it to see."

"And that might give us away-"

"Oh hamburgers! What is that thing?" Butters screamed and pointed directly a stone statue that was towering over them. The statue looked at for a moment before giving out an ear screeching roar.

"Is that a troll-" Zoroaster began.

"RUN!" Jesus led the others away from the troll statue, which began chasing them. They rounded a corner where they entered a chamber that was different than the last one they were in.

"Ah jeez, we're trapped!" Screamed Butters.

"Not unless we go down without a fight! Kiwaaa!" Jesus threw his halo at the stone statue. It slashed through the chest, making the statue screech with rage.

"Well, I think it's safe to say that you have just made it more pissed." Said Zoroaster as the halo returned to Jesus.

"No turning back now! Use your staff!"

"I'm trying but right now my staff is proving to be a bit of a bitch today." On closer inspection, Jesus realised that Zoroaster was holding his staff the wrong way, "Oh my God…"

"We're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna die." Butters whimpered as the statue advanced towards them.

"Work you stupid thing!" Zoroaster screamed, "WORK GOD-DAMMIT!" A fire ball shot out from the staff and hit the ceiling, creating a hole in the process. Then, something fell through the hole, onto the floor beside Zoroaster. Jesus took closer inspection on the thing that fell through the hole before realising who it is.

"Seamen!" Jesus said happily, "We found you!"

"It's Sea-man!" The Super Best Friend corrected him as his sidekick Swallow flew down beside him.

"Uh you may have forgotten but there a GIANT STONE STATUE SHAPED LIKE A TROLL ABOUT TO KILL US!" Zoroaster shouted as the statue continued to advance towards.

"Well, I guess this is the end." Butter said meekly.

"DO NOT SAY THAT!" Zoroaster took out what looked like a giant blaster out of his robes, "I DID NOT COME ALL THIS WAY HERE JUST TO BECOME SOMBODY'S FUCKING LUNCH!" the prophet aimed the blaster at the troll and a giant laser came out of it, striking the statue and reducing it to rubble.

"Is it over?" Butters asked.

"Yeah, it's over." Zoroaster answered as he breathed deeply.

"Where did you get that blaster?" Asked Jesus.

"I found this cabinet while we were in the Hall of the Super Best Friends and it had a lot of weapons that looked as if they hadn't been used yet."

"Which is exactly where they're supposed to remain until it's proven the world ending in 2012 is a hoax."

"Yeah, well too late for that now." Zoroaster then turned his attention to Seaman who was wiping away the dust on him, "So, who's the guy with the bird?"

"Ah yes," Said Jesus, "Butters, Karen, Zoroaster, this is one of the Super Best Friends, S-Seamen." He then burst out laughing.

"Wh-what?" Asked Butters.

"It's Sea-man!" Seaman yelled.

"…Oh my God, I don't know why but that sounds gay." Said Zoroaster.

"Does the little bird have a name?" Asked Karen.

"Y-yeah," Said Jesus, straightening up, "this is Seamen's sidekick, S-Swallow." He then burst out laughing again.

"You have a bird for a sidekick?" Asked Zoroaster.

"Yes and It's Sea-man and Swallow!"

"…Oh my God, even the bird's name sounds gay." Said Zoroaster. Suddenly there was a crunching noise that came from the pile of rubble. The group looked at the rubble and realised that it was…moving.

"That doesn't sound good." Said Jesus and immediately the rubble began to expand until they were the troll statue again, who roared at the group.

"Definitely not good!" Shouted Zoroaster as he backed up against a wall.

"But that's impossible," Said Jesus, "how can that thing still be alive?"

"Because it wasn't alive to begin with," Said Zoroaster as the statue advanced, "someone or something is animating that statue from somewhere.

"Are you sure?"

"I grew up in a village that studied magic! I know an enchanted statue when it regenerates itself!"

"Ah jeez, we're gonna die!" Butters yelled. Suddenly the floor under his feet began to crumble and he fell through a hole that was made.

"Oh God, Butters!" Yelled Jesus. Seeing the hole gave Zoroaster an idea.

"Quick everyone jump in to the hole!"

"What?"

"If we want to make it out of this alive, we have to jump into that hole!"

"Are you crazy?" Jesus protested, "We have no idea where that hole could lead us! For all we know, it could lead to a trap."

"Well then," Zoroaster said casually, "if you have any better ideas, one that involves getting rid of that thing that moving towards us, I'd love to them."

A long pause filled the chamber.

"…I'm first." Said Jesus as he and the others jumped into the hole away from the statue.

**Do they survive? Is there really a trap down there?...Yeah Zoroaster can do pretty reckless things when he panics.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"Dude, where are we?" Stan looked around the chamber they were pulled in. There were paintings on the walls and candles were lit in the chamber.

"From the looks of it, I think we're inside the temple." Said Gollum.

"Something dragged us in here." Said Kyle, "But who did it?"

"Maybe they know." Andrew pointed to a group of people in white hooded robes.

"Oh shit, it's the Ku Klux Klan!" Kenny screamed as he pulled his hood tighter.

"No we're not," The white hooded man in front who looked to be the leader stepped forward, "We are not those racist loving bastards. We are the Pura Fides."

"…Pura…Fides?" Gollum asked confused.

"Yes," The leader said, "you don't have to hide. You are safe now in this temple."

"Dude, why did you drag us in here?" Asked Charlie.

"There is very little time and you all need to be warned of something big, something that could change and possibly even threaten the world. The Lady of the Temple predicted it."

"Well what'd you know? There _is _an upstairs downstairs in this temple." Zoroaster looked around the chamber they fell into.

"If there is one, then where's the stairs?" Jesus muttered as he massaged his arm. The jump was not the brightest idea they had but it was the only way to get away from that stone statue of a troll.

"Well, at least we're all alive," Said Butters as he held Karen's hand, "and we found one of your buddies Jesus."

"He's right." Said Seaman.

"Eh, yeah just so you all know, I was the one who made the hole in the ceiling," Said Zoroaster, "and if it weren't for that than you wouldn't have found this guy here, who I highly doubt is a religious figure."

"…Right," Jesus looked at the paintings on the walls. There seem to hundreds perhaps even more of them, each showing different images on them, "looks like someone's been busy doing artwork."

"W-what do you think they mean?" Asked Butters.

"Don't know, don't care. All I'm thinking about is finding a way out of here." Zoroaster turned around only to see the most bizarre thing he'd ever saw in his life.

"Hello~."

"AAH!"

Everyone yelped at the sound of the woman standing behind. She had the most peculiar looking fashion wear they have ever laid eyes on. He had many beads in her long, scattered hair, a fading poncho and a dress underneath.

"I see you have all found the chamber of visions," She said in a wispy voice, "the chamber where everything that has happened over the centuries ends up as a painting in here."

"Who the hell are you?" Jesus asked, still in shock at meeting this mysterious stranger out of nowhere.

"I go by many names," She said, "sometimes funny, sometimes sad, sometimes just plain right rude, but that is the curse of being an artist."

"…Seriously, give us a name." Said Zoroaster.

"I am the Lady of the Temple," She said dramatically, "the guardian of the chamber of visions."

"You made all these paintings Mrs.…?" Butters began.

"**IT'S LLLLLAAADDDDYYYY OF THE TEMPLLLEEE!**" She screamed so loud that whole chamber felt like it was moving.

"WAH! S-sorry Lady of the T-temple." Butters stammered.

"What the hell?" Cried Zoroaster, "Haven't you heard of volume control?"

"Yes," The Temple lady said casually, "come; let us journey through the visions of what had already happened and what is yet to happen."

"God, she even walks like she's messed up in the head." Said Seaman as the others observed how the Temple Lady moved in an almost wave like pattern.

"So, these paintings are actually visions that came true?" Said Jesus as he and the group followed the Temple Lady.

"And visions that are yet to come true."

"Ah jeez, you actually have that as a painting?" Said Butters as he looked at a painting of two tall buildings that were on fire.

"Ah yes," The Temple Lady replied, "the destruction of the Twin Towers in New York. It was a sad day…"

"Hey look, Obama is seen in this one." Zoroaster pointed to a painting of the current US president.

"Ah yes, the day Barack Obama became president will be remembered for many generations to come."

Jesus spotted a painting that was far away from the other ones, "Hey…what's that one?"

"It is my final one, the vision that is not yet finished." On closer inspection, Jesus realised that it looked like a temple floating in black clouds, "it is the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, awakened from its long slumber by an evil being."

"What happens if that vision came true?"

"I will have nothing more to paint and I will be forced to seek a new purpose." The Temple Lady explained, "I've been thinking of becoming a nurse or maybe even an author."

"I've got a bad feeling about that painting," Whispered Jesus.

"Aw, c'mon are you really getting paranoid just by looking at it?" Asked Zoroaster, "I mean look at it. It's not finished so it's bound to not come true."

"Oh, it will come true all right," The Lady Temple intervened, "and the only way that it can be prevented from becoming a reality, if the finished painting beside it becomes a reality."

"Finished painting?" Jesus looked at the painting next to the temple painting. In this painting, there was what looked like religious figures in warrior like poses while in the centre was what looked like a young girl in Greek clothing, surrounded by four different coloured squares.

"Hey that girl kind of looks likes Karen." Said Butters.

"That _is _Karen." Said Jesus when took a closer look at the painting.

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah and if you look at them," Jesus pointed at the religious figures, "that's the Super Best Friends."

"Really?" Asked Zoroaster.

"Yeah," Jesus pointed to each religious figure that was in the picture, "There's me and Seamen…"

"It's Sea-man!"

"…Krishna's here; Buddha's over there, beside the far left is the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith…"

"He's a Super Best Friend too?" Asked Zoroaster.

"Yeah and look, you're in the painting too." Jesus was right. When Zoroaster looked at the painting he was stunned to find himself also in the painting, "Why the hell was I put in the painting? I'm not even a Super Best Friend."

"What about her?" Butters pointed to a brownish-red haired woman with angel wings in the painting, "Is she a Super Best Friend too?"

Jesus shook his head, "I don't recognise her and none of the other Super Best Friends don't know her either but I'm sure the Lady of the Temple put her in that painting with us for a reason."

"You know, you are not the first to discover the chamber of visions." The Temple Lady said.

"We're not?" Asked Butters.

"No, six months ago three others came across this chamber, but they did not have time to gaze into the visions the way you did. They went over there," She pointed to the exit of this chamber, "towards the main chamber of the temple and have not been seen since."

"You think they might be more of your buddies Jesus?" Asked Butters.

"I don't know, they could be," Jesus looked at the Temple Lady, "can you take us to the main chamber."

"But of course, I know the insides of this temple as well as the ancient ones."

"Great, thanks for your help Temple Lady." Said Zoroaster.

"**IT'S LLLAAAADDDDYYYY OF THE TTTEEEMMMMPPPLLLEEE!**" She screamed again. Zoroaster covered his ears as she did so.

"I'm starting to see why there's no 'Man of the Temple'." Zoroaster muttered.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"I don't care if you don't have all of them I just want them out of the way!" Dark Matter yelled to somebody on the phone, "And when you destroy them, make sure it's painful!" He hung up on his phone, "I swear to God, I feel like I'm surrounded by fucking idiots."

"So, just so we're clear," Said Hermes who was tied to a chair, "what happens to me if I don't tell you about the Keystones?"

"Do you like to have a scar on your chest, where your heart is located?" Dark Matter asked, "'Cause I can make that happen."

"Go ahead. The blood of a deity of lethally toxic. It'll burn through your skin within seconds.

"I don't believe you."

"Stab me then."

"Oh no, I'm not going to stab you," Said Dark Matter, "not yet anyway. You see, I know that you Olympian bastards are connected to the Keystones of Babylon and, since you are an Olympian yourself, I'd appreciate it if you tell me where the other Keystones are."

"I'd rather hear Dionysus' babbling then tell you anything," Hermes retorted, "besides, the Super Best Friends will stop you."

Dark Matter chuckled, "I don't think so. I've hired someone to take care of them while they're still stuck in Babylon. Apparently, the Super Best Friends have had an encounter with this person before and he has a bone to pick with them. Face it Olympian, It's going to take more than a bunch of holy beings to set you free."

Just then there were screams coming from outside the room they were in and an atheist struggled inside with arrows protruding from his back, "Sir…there's more intruders…in the…building…"

"Who could that possibly this time?" Dark Matter demanded as the atheist fell over. The answer to the villain's question came in the form of gold and silver arrows which flew into the room and pinned him to the wall. Hermes smirked, "How about twin Greek Gods entering the building in order to bust me out?"

"You took the words right out of our minds." Apollo and Artemis entered the room with their bows in their hands, "God-dammit!" Screamed Dark Matter, "When my atheists get here, you're gonna be sorry!"

"They wouldn't happen to be the ones I used Aphrodite's girdle on into making them quit your U.A.M?" Artemis asked as she showed Dark Matter the garment she was holding, which resulted more curses and swears from the villain, "This isn't over! You may have won this battle but the war is not yet finished! I'll find the other Keystones! You'll see!"

"And we wish you good luck with that," Said Hermes before he turned his attention to the twins, "can we make a quick trip to the ruined city of Babylon before we head back?"

"Okay, but why?" Asked Apollo.

"Well, thanks to Dark Matter here," Hermes nodded to the villain who was struggling to break free of the arrows, "I think I know where the half-mortals are."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK, FUCK, **FUCK!**"

"So, exactly who are you guys?" Kyle asked the white hooded people called the Pura Fides.

"We are a society that has been around for centuries," The Pura Fides leader explained, "do you know Abraham?"

"The patriarch of the Christian, Jewish and Muslim religions?" Asked Gollum.

"That's right; we have been around since the day he passed away. We were formed to be guardians of a very important person called the Keeper of the Keystone."

"Keeper of the Keystone?" Kenny wondered aloud," Who the hell is that?"

"A person who was chosen by the Olympians to be protector of ancient relics called Keystones of Babylon."

"Hey, Dark Matter mentioned them," Said Stan, "he also seems to be looking for them."

"Indeed," The leader agreed, "there are four of them somewhere in this world. Legend has it that if all four were reunited, they will raise the Hanging Gardens of Babylon from the ground."

"Dude…" Said Stan.

"Does the Order of Religion know about the Pura Fides?" Andrew asked Gollum.

"Like the Order of Religion, we keep our society in secrecy," The leader said, "so no one in the world knows about us."

"Wait, if you guys try to keep all this a secret?" Charlie wondered, "Then why are you telling us this?"

"Were you children not the ones who found one of the Keystones, which is now currently in the hands of Dark Matter?" Asked the leader.

"You sure you're not talking about some other Keystone?" Asked Kyle.

"No, we are talking about this." The leader pulled out of his robes an object shaped like a cube, which glowed a bright yellow.

"Whoa dude." Said Kenny.

"Holy crap, that thing we found _was _one of the Keystones." Said Charlie.

The kids looked at each other in astonishment, realising that they have just stumbled upon one of the darkest secrets in ancient history.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"I don't see why she can't just draw us a map of this place." Said Zoroaster as the Temple Lady led the group towards the main chamber.

"You may think maps are useful to guide you to your destination but they will just make you even more lost." She said.

"That is a very unsatisfying answer." He muttered, "So this temple we're in is this like, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon or something?"

"It is," The Temple Lady answered, "but not the real one."

"What do you mean by that?" Asked Jesus.

"People don't realise it, but the temples they visited are in fact replicas of the original thing. There are hundreds of temple replicas around the world, some that were created before the Roman era."

"And people never bothered to realise they were replicas?"

"That's right."

"People are gonna be majorly pissed off if they found out about that." Zoroaster whispered to Jesus who nodded, "No doubt."

They continued on in silence, with Butters growing more anxious as they came closer, "Don't you think we should be on our toes when we make it there?"

"Butters relax," Said Zoroaster, "the people we're trying to find are religious figures, they aren't gonna be reduced to bones when we find them."

"I'm not worried about that. I'm worried that this place may be booby-trapped."

"Probably, but what kind of booby-trap?" Asked Jesus. Just then Butters stepped on a stone which sunk into the ground and suddenly spikes appeared on the walls which began to move.

"Try moving spiked walls booby-trapped!" Yelled Zoroaster as the groups ran as fast as they can.

"I see it," The Temple Lady said calmly who seems to be the only one unaffected by the moving walls, "I see the main chamber."

"Great lets pick up the pace a bit!" The group ran towards the main chamber where Butters, Jesus, Seaman and the Temple Lady arrived safely.

"We're alive!" Said Butters.

"Not yet, Karen and Zoroaster are still in there!" Exclaimed Jesus as the walls drew closer.

"Weren't they right behind us?"

"I don-"Suddenly Karen came flying out of the temple into Jesus' arms just in time before the walls closed in.

"Well, that's one exit we won't be using again." The Temple Lady said happily.

"Yeah, but poor Zoroaster," Butters said sadly, "he didn't make it." Suddenly there was a bright light and Zoroaster appeared in front of them.

"Thank God, that's over." He said as he checked himself.

"What happened in there?" Asked Jesus. He can feel Karen shaking with fright.

"Karen tripped over something while we were running for our lives. I knew it was either me or her so I threw her to the entrance and took the blow," Zoroaster winced, "and right now I am extremely fragile about it." He looked at Butters stunned face, "I told you, religious figures can't die."

"Now that we are together," The Temple Lady intervened, "let us explore the chamber in search of your friends."

"There sure are a lot of columns in here." Said Seaman as he looked around the chamber. While the others were exploring the temple Jesus turned to Zoroaster, "What you did back there, that was really brave. Only a true Super Best Friend would sacrifice himself for the safety of innocents."

"Save it," Said Zoroaster, "I only did it to save Karen's life, not to become a member."

"You guys," Stammered Butters who was hiding behind some boulders with the others, "you may want to take a look at this." Jesus and Zoroaster moved to where the others were.

"What is it?" Jesus asked. The puffball pointed to three columns. Chained to the columns were three religious figures that Jesus recognised.

"Oh my God," Said Jesus, "that's Buddha, Smith and Krishna chained to those columns."

"Congratulations," Zoroaster said sarcastically, "No one in this room is a retard."

"So, what are we trying to find again?" A theologist asked his comrade as they both explored the house of Albert Einstein.

"Well, apparently some chick in Oregon named Winnates believes that Einstein was responsible for bringing holy beings back to life, so to see if she was right Rhinestone sent us to investigate the house to find the devise he used."

"Einstein wouldn't have done something like would he?"

"It's likely he didn't. Besides, it wouldn't make any sense if religious figures were brought back to life by science."

"Hey guys!" A third theologist walked into the living room with something in his hands, "I was checking the basement and I found this…thing hidden behind a bookshelf."

The other two theologists gathered around the third to look at the devise. I looked like a toaster with a lamp wedged in it and a lever on its side. There were no wires on it but it did have a switch on its other side, "There isn't anything in Einstein's book of inventions that mention this thing."

"Hey," The first theologist thought of something, "you guys don't think this is the devise that Rhinestone was looking, is it?"

"There's only one way to find out," The second theologist replied, "we're gonna test it and see."

They took the devise outside and placed on the ground, "Okay, I think this is the switch that turns it on," The second theologist switched the devise on, "and this lever makes the devise summon religious figures," He pulled the small lever on the devise, "all right mystery devise. Bring us a religious figure."

He stepped back to allow the devise to vibrant violently by itself. It sent out sparks and glowed a cyan colour. After a while the devise stopped glowing and vibrating and stood perfectly still.

"Huh," The second theologist said, "nothing happened."

"Maybe Winnates' theory about Einstein was wrong after all." The first theologist replied.

"Yeah maybe, at least we weren't outsmarted by a girl." The three theologists headed back to their car. "Like I said; religious figures can't be brought back to life by science."

"It's true what they say," The third theologist chimed in; "science and religions don't mix."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"Well, at least we found them." The Lady of the Temple nodded to the chained religious figures.

"Yeah but not like that." Seaman answered.

"We have to help them." Jesus putted Karen down and was about to run to his chained comrades until he felt someone grab a hold of his red sash.

"Not so fast," Said Zoroaster as he held Jesus' sash, "you probably shouldn't do that just yet."

"Why not?"

"There's someone coming." True enough; a hooded stranger entered the chamber towards the chained Super Best Friends. The hood over his head made it impossible to see his face.

"Everyone, stay down." Jesus whispered.

"We're not gonna rescue them?" Butters asked as the group concealed themselves behind the boulders.

"We are, but if we're going to do it, we need to know whose side that hooded stranger is on."

"Anyone else getting the feeling that he won't be a good guy?" Zoroaster asked.

"Be quiet, stay low and we'll be able to know what this guy is up to." Said Jesus.

"…Thanks for answering my question asshole."

The three religious figures glared at the hooded stranger when he approached them.

"Well, well," The stranger said, "three leaders of the some of the most influential world religions have no way of escaping now."

"You won't get away with this!" Smith said defiantly.

"Technically I already did," The stranger remarked, "I'm not the ones chained to columns. Besides, it's about time you gave up hope on your other religious comrades coming here to save you. It'll only be a matter of time until no one remembers where you are, and years longer, when no one will no longer rely on your religions, that nobody will remember who you all are."

"We don't believe you," Said Buddha, "the others will find us."

"Believe what you will, all I know is that you have made us all rely on false hope for too long. Religion has driven people to nothing but war, suffering and separation, and its founders and leaders have only themselves to blame."

"If you're trying to screw our heads over, it's not working." Smith retorted.

"Maybe," The stranger said, "and maybe not. You can try to escape and find a way out but this temple is like a maze. There are many ways in, but only one way out, an invisible exit, that you will never find. Thus, I will help Dark Matter bring atheism on top by keeping you all here and seeing to it that you meet your demise."

"Top schmop," Said Krishna, "you can capture us; maybe even torture us, but you definitely can't kill."

"Yes, yes, I'm well aware of a religious figures' power of resurrection," The stranger exclaimed, slightly irritated, "but seriously, isn't it ironic how people say nothing can kill a religious figures when there is one tool that can do that without fail."

"…What are you saying?" Buddha asked slowly.

"I'm talking about this." The stranger pulled from his robes a conch shell and almost immediately, the religious figures began to grow frightened.

"Conch shell…" Krishna whispered in fear.

"Ah, so you _are _all familiar with a religious figure's death sentence," The stranger said slyly, "don't be frightened. As soon as I have all the Super Best Friends, you will be dead again."

"Oh my God," Said Seaman as the group watched the stranger pull out the conch shell, "that stranger is planning to kill our Super Best Friends by sucking their spirits in conch shells."

"No shit Sherlock." Zoroaster muttered.

"I don't understand," Said Butters, "what's so fearful about a harmless shell you find on the beach?"

"Remember when I said that it's impossible to kill a religious figure?" Zoroaster asked.

"Uh-huh."

"Well…that's not…entirely true…there is…one way," Zoroaster stared at the conch shell as he spoke.

"By a conch shell?"

"If used correctly," Jesus explained, "it can be used as a death causing devise that sucks the spirit of a religious figure into them."

"Ah jeez, that sounds horrible."

"For us, but not for ordinary people like you, and now we know what we're up against we really need to save our comrades, and fast."

"Well, we can't just go in there, headfirst without a plan," Zoroaster exclaimed, "the guy's got an object that can fully kill us in one use. What we need is a distraction."

"Distraction?"

"Something that can distract the guy long enough for us to make a plan. The question is what?" Zoroaster looked around the chamber, hoping to find something that will distract the stranger, "I can't find anything," His eyes then lingered on Butters, "I wonder…"

"Wh-why are you looking at me like that?" Asked Butters meekly.

**I think Zoroaster found a distraction, this should be good. Also we found out that religious figures can be killed.**

**Who is the hooded stranger? Will the other Super Best Friends be saved on time? Will Butters make a good distraction? ...I highly doubt it**


	9. Chapter 9

**This part is almost finished, just a few more chapters to go. I'll be going to Wexford soon so I'm trying to get the chapters done as quickly as possible.**

**Also, there's little internet connections down in Wexford so the last two instalments might come a little late.**

**Chapter 9**

Butters, with a yelp was thrown over the boulders right in front of the hooded stranger.

"What the-"The stranger turned around to look at the puffball, "and who might this be?"

"Uh, w-well I," Butters stuttered, "I-I was just wondering around, j-just passing through."

"Yes well, you came at a bad time," The stranger gestured to the chained religious figures, "I was in the middle of revealing to these holy beings their death sentence."

"Ah jeez. W-well maybe you shouldn't be so hasty, I mean shouldn't these nice looking fellas have last requests before they…kick the bucket."

"…I wish I had more lines." Said Krishna after a long pause.

"And with that I say it's time to prepare their tombs." The stranger said.

"Wait!" Butters yelled, "Wh-what I meant to say was that-that we should…um…wait for…God…to arrive?"

"If you're trying to stall me, it's not working." The stranger retorted.

"Kick him in the balls, that'll slow him down." Smith exclaimed.

"Violence is not the best answer," Said Buddha, "we should try to reason with him peacefully-"

"Shut up Buddha!" Smith and Krishna yelled.

"Oh hamburgers…" Butters groaned.

The others watched behind the boulders at how Butters was doing.

"You may want to find something else Zoroaster," Said Jesus, "because your distraction is doing a terrible job."

"Don't worry, I have a backup plan," Zoroaster assured Jesus as he slipped out from behind the boulders, "Jesus, whatsyourface, you stay here while me, Karen and the Lady of the Temple try to hide behind the columns to get at your friends."

"Alright, but be careful." Jesus and Seaman watched their three comrades slip behind some columns until they were out of site. After they left Jesus felt something breathing down his neck and low growling noises.

"Is there a dog in here…?" Jesus wondered aloud, but when he and Seaman turned around they realised that it wasn't an animal but the stone statue of the troll right behind them. "Oh crap-!" The two Super Best Friends tried to make a run for it but the statue was faster, capturing both Super Best Friends in its grip and taking them to the hooded figure.

"Well, well," The stranger said as the statue approached with the captured Super Best Friends, "it appears that my pet has pickled more religious figures."

"Jesus! Seamen!" Krishna yelled.

"It's Sea-man!"

"That doesn't matter now," The stranger retorted, "you are all here, which means it is time for you all to permanently die."

"Can't we just settle this over a hot chocolate?" Asked Butters, "If you try, you might find the Super Best Friends very likable."

"No, it's too late for that now; the Super Best Friends are all here, which means there are no more second thoughts."

"You've forgotten about me dickhead!" Zoroaster came out of his hiding place behind one of the columns with Karen and the Temple Lady behind him.

The stranger gasped when he saw him, "The Iranian prophet Zoroaster!"

"That's my name, don't wear it out."

"Of course, the first of the holy prophets. How could I forget the one who started it all?"

"I did not start the other religions," Zoroaster retorted, "the founders were influenced by my religion, so in a way I did not start them."

"It is true." The Temple Lady answered.

"Ah," The stranger noticed her, "and I see you've brought the Temple Lady with you."

"No, don't-!"

"**IT'S LLLLLLLAAAAAADDDDDDYYYY OF THE TEMMMMPPLLLLLEEEEE!**" She screamed in the stranger's ears.

"What the hell, woman!" Smith asked, "You could've burst someone's eardrums."

"Well apart from that," Zoroaster replied as he removed something wrapped in paper from his robes, "I recommend that you don't judge me. I got a staff and a blaster and I'm not afraid to use them. I also got…a rosary?" He removed the paper to find the beaded object with a cross on it, "What the hell?"

"Let me guess, you found that in the weapon cabinet as well?" Asked Jesus and then he realised it, "Oh my God! Zoroaster, get rid of it!"

"I will," He threw the object in the front of the group, "apart from praying, these things are pretty useless. I should know because these things failed to save my life."

"Um, why is there smoke coming out it?" Butters noticed that the rosary was protruding smoke.

"Because that isn't an ordinary rosary," Jesus yelled in panic, "we made rosaries to act as explosives! That rosary is a BOMB!

"…Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…" Exclaimed Zoroaster.

The outside of the temple glimmered in the sunlight, completely silent. At least that was until a muffled boom was heard, causing the temple to shake slightly.

There was smoke everywhere In the main chamber as Zoroaster coughed and looked around, "Alright, who's hurt and I don't want to hear groaning."

"Me and Karen are alright." Said Butters.

"Also, the explosion destroyed the statue again and the columns," Jesus observed the damage, "in general, nobody got hurt."

"And the chains around us are broken." Said Smith as the now free religious figures moved away from the destroyed columns.

"I saved us all and nearly got us killed in the process," Zoroaster lamented, "I guess this is something you guys don't do every day."

There was a groan heard and the stranger stood up. The group realised that is hood was down to reveal…

"Oh hamburgers, it's David Blaine!" Butters yelled in fear.

"David Blaine? The illusionist?" Zoroaster asked.

"That's right, I tried to murder the Super Best Friends," Blaine growled, "these holy bastards ruined my plan on getting a religion of my own."

"We did?" Asked Jesus.

"Yes! You and the other religious assholes crushed my dreams!"

"You're sure you're not talking the other branches?" Smith asked, "Because we never met you before in our lives."

"Oh my God," Blaine whispered, "you don't remember me! I can't believe you don't remember me!"

"I can't believe someone would actually fight you." Muttered Zoroaster. Seeing the illusionist like this almost made him look pathetic.

"They have to remember me! I released a giant stone Abraham Lincoln statue on them in Washington!"

"Yeah, I remember the statue," Jesus said and the others agreed, "we had to use a giant stone John Wilkes Booth to take it down."

"Oh sure! You remember the Abraham Lincoln statue but you don't remember me!"

"If you're done trying to jog these guys' memories, we want to know something," Zoroaster demanded as he pointed his staff at Blaine, "Who sent you?"

"Does fire come out of that staff?" Asked Blaine.

"Yes."

"Damn! Dark Matter hired me to kill the Super Best Friends. While this was partly because I wanted revenge on them for what they did, it was mainly because Dark Matter saw them as a threat to his plans. The Super Best Friends and most importantly, the Keeper of the Keystone."

" Who is Dark Matter?" Jesus demanded, "And what is he up to?"

"Dark Matter is the leader of the U.A.M, the United Atheist Movement, whose goal is to make atheism the only dominant religion. He has been searching for the Keystones of Babylon, the ancient relics that the Keeper of the Keystones protects, to achieve that goal."

"Why would someone go through that kind of trouble just to get rid of our religions?" Jesus wondered aloud, "normally atheists would write books or set up demonstrations just to denounce religions. Hearing what you said about keystones makes it sound like Dark Matter isn't interested in religious beliefs at all."

"That doesn't matter now," Blaine cackled, "because I'm still going to finish the job of killing you all. Once I regenerate my pet again, it'll capture you all, I'll kill the children and then, I'll suck your spirits out."

"Well, I think I heard enough," Said Zoroaster, "time for the escape plan." He then kicked Blaine in the groin.

"Run for it!" The prophet yelled to the others as Blaine doubled over.

"Wait a minute, what about the Temple Lady?" Jesus asked as everyone ran to the nearest exit.

"Fuck her! No one likes to be around a bitch who has volume problems!"


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

"Don't look back, don't look back, don't look back," Zoroaster said to himself as he, Butters, Karen and the Super Best Friends ran for their lives.

"Oh hamburgers, we're gonna die!" Yelled Butters.

"Seriously, can you think of anything else beside?" Zoroaster asked, not realising the wall he just ran into, "Ah fuck!"

"Aw crap," Jesus exclaimed as he and the others stopped running and looked at the blocked entrance in panic, "we're trapped!"

"You can say that again," Yelled Zoroaster, "at this rate, we'd have to have superpowers to get out of this temple." He then noticed the Super Best Friends exchanging uncomfortable glances and he narrowed his eyes at them, "You eh…you guys have actual superpowers, don't you?"

"Well…kind of." Jesus faltered.

"You either do or you don't, it's not a guess."

"All right, yes we do have superpowers." Said Krishna.

"Holy crackers, really?" Asked Butters.

"Really," Smith replied, "we have proof because there're people on the other side of that wall."

Zoroaster looked at the blocked entrance, "Enhanced senses, figures." A distant roar was heard, "I think it's time you put those powers to use, 'cause I think Blaine literally found his balls and has regenerated the statue." He looked at the Super Best Friends, "Alright, can anyone here break through a wall?"

"The Olympians never wanted this to happen," The Pura Fides leader said, "they were trying to protect this world from great catastrophe."

"Protect our world from what?" Gollum asked.

"It's a long complicated story, one that involves religious figures-"

"Oh my God, not these guys too!" Charlie exclaimed, "Religious figures don't exist!"

"That's what the atheists said!" One Pura Fides member exclaimed.

"Charlie, what're you doing?" Kyle asked when he saw her girlfriend walked up the front.

"I'm proving you all straight, that religious figures aren't real once and for all," She addressed the Pura Fides, "everybody listen up! What you're all are believing is nothing but complete lies. The Olympians aren't real. The myths and legends aren't real."

"You don't understand," Said the leader, "the Olympians-"

"Are nothing but figment of our imaginations!"

"Dude your girlfriend's talking these guys down." Stan told Kyle.

"I am only going to say this once so you better listen!" Said Charlie, "There are no such thing as Olympians, no such thing as deities and especially, no such thing as religious figures!"

At that moment the wall behind Charlie burst open and Buddha went through it.

"If we ever get out of this alive, you all had better have a good reason for not telling me earlier that you all have superpowers." Said Zoroaster as he, Butters, Karen and the other Super Best Friends entered the chamber through the hole.

"It'll be a perfectly good one, I promise." Jesus and the others then noticed the Pura Fides, the kids and Gollum staring at them, with Charlie being the most stunned.

"Huh…there _are_ people here." Muttered Zoroaster.

"Fellas!" Yelled Butters happily when he saw his friends.

"Kenny!" Karen yelled in delight when she saw her brother.

"Karen!" Kenny hugged her sister, "You're here and okay!"

"Butters, what're you doing here?" Stan asked.

"Ah, it's kind of a long story. Did you know that religious figures can be buddies?"

"…What?"

"Stan? Kyle?" Jesus approached the two friends, "What're you two doing here?"

"It's a long story." Stan explained, "We came here to find you and the Super Best Friends."

"Can you wait till later to say why you're here?," Said Zoroaster. He then noticed the stunned Charlie, "Is that how you always look or you're just surprised to see us?" He then addressed the Pura Fides, "There's something you should all know; there's an enchanted stone statue of a troll trying to capture us and there's a strong chance he might come here."

The Pura Fides murmured in shock at what Zoroaster said.

"Are you sure?" Asked Gollum.

"Hey lady, we just narrowly escaped the thing and it's coming right at us-oh my God!" He noticed the dead fetus attached to Gollum's face, "Ew, _ew_, there's a fetus stuck on the side of your face!"

"Thanks for making me more self-conscious of it." Gollum muttered.

Suddenly there was a roar on the other side and the chamber began to sake. Stones and bits of rubble came falling from the ceiling.

"Okay, either that thing is trying to get in or it's caving us in." Said Zoroaster as bigger chunks of the ceiling came falling.

"We need to get out!" Yelled Andrew over the roaring.

"O' Holy ones, do you that wall I am pointing to?" The leader asked.

"Yeah." Said Jesus.

"We are directly outside the temple from there, use that blaster that the Iranian prophet is holding to save us getting in-AHHH!" Just then a stone shrapnel fell from the ceiling and went through the leader's chest, much to the others' horror.

"Oh my God!"

"Holy shit dude!"

"Ho crap!"

The leader collapsed on the ground while Zoroaster looked at the wall he was pointing at, "Everyone stand back!" He aimed the blaster at the wall, "We're getting out of here!" The giant laser hit the wall, creating a huge hole in it and exposing sunlight from the outside.

"Everybody out!" Jesus yelled out to the crowd as more of the ceiling fell. The Pura Fides all rushed towards the exit.

"Charlie, come on!" Kyle grabbed his girlfriend and followed his friends, Gollum and the Super Best Friends out of the temple.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

"I never would've thought I'd shake those arrows off." Muttered Dark Matter as he checked the time for flights to Greece on his laptop, "It just proves that the summer solstice in Europe is almost upon us." He checked his calendar where the 21 in June was circled.

"Legend says that supernatural phenomenon always happens on solstices," Dark Matter smirked, "and this summer solstice will be no exception,"

He looked at the two Keystones on his desk that he kept hidden in his bookshelf from the Olympians, "Patience now, you're half way there. You just need two more and then you'll finally deal with the…unfinished business," He then looked at his laptop again, "starting by paying a visit to a Greek village, which at this point has been invaded by the dark knights; the Tenebris."

Zoroaster dragged the mortally wounded Pura Fides leader to the others, who were all hiding behind boulders.

"Zoroaster, what're you doing?" Asked Jesus when he saw the leader.

"I came back for this guy," Explained Zoroaster, "he's not dead yet and he insists on telling us something important."

"I _do_ have something important to tell you." The leader gasped and then he spotted Karen who was hiding behind Kenny, "Her…it can't be…" He couched fiercely.

"If you have something to tell us, can you make it quick?" Zoroaster insisted, "Blaine is still trying to look for us, you know."

The leader took the yellow Keystone out of his robes and gave it to Stan, "You must not let Dark Matter…get his hands…on this Keystone. He is determined to get all four…before the European summer solstice…"

"Summer solstice?" Kyle wondered.

"What do we do next?" Jesus asked the leader.

"Return the United States…journey to Oregon…there you will find a theologist who was once a Pura Fides member…Professor Rhinestone…he has the answer…"

"Professor Rhinestone?" Andrew asked.

"Yes…and also…" The leader pointed to Karen, "the girl…"

"Karen? What about her?" Jesus asked.

"Super Best Friends…leaders of faith…protectors of innocents…vanquishers of evil and…guardians of truth…you must defend and…protect…the young girl with your lives…for she…she…_ssssshhhhhheeeeeee_…"

"She's what?" Jesus asked urgently.

While trying to struggle to say the reason, solid logs began to come out from the leader's robes and then he fell silent, dead silent.

"…Dude, this is pretty fucked up right now." Said Stan.

Zoroaster checked the leader's pulse, "Okay yeah, _now _he's dead."

"And before he can tell why it's important to protect Karen." Said Jesus.

Krishna looked at the brown faeces, "I can't help feeling this would be sadder if he didn't crap his pants."

"There's no helping it now," Said Stan, "we need to get back to America and fast."

"Yeah, back to human-oh shit." Zoroaster noticed the stone statue standing right behind them, "Everybody duck!" He aimed his staff at the troll and a fireball erupted from it, striking the statue in the face.

Just noticing the statue, the group ran for their lives away from the troll and behind the temple.

"Wait a minute that things got Nurse Gollum!" Yelled Stan as they saw the troll capture Gollum in its grip.

"And I think it also has your polka wearing friend." Observed Zoroaster.

"Kenny!" The kids watched with horror as they realised that Kenny is in the statue's other grip.

"Is it too late to go back for him?" Seaman asked, but before any of them could act, the statue threw Kenny to the ground and squashed him under its feet. Blood seeped from the statue's feet.

"Too late." Said Buddha.

"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"

"You bastards!"

"Why do I get the feeling that you two say that a lot?" Zoroaster said to Stan and Kyle.

"I think it's an impulse mechanism." Everyone turned to find Hermes, Apollo and Artemis appear behind them.

"Hermes! You're okay!" Yelled Butters, "How did you manage to escape from the atheists.

"That's not important. We're here to get you out of this country."

"Ugh, it's about time," Zoroaster muttered, "I was afraid that I would lose it if I stayed another minute in this craphole.

Blaine the flash of light behind the temple and smiled evilly, "I have you now Super Best Friends." He yelled in dismay when he turned the corner and found there was nothing there, "God-dammit, they've escaped!" Right under my nose!"

"Dark Matter will never win!" Exclaimed Gollum, "Purpose is to stop him-AH!" The statue squeezed Gollum in its grip.

"Will you shut up? It'll keep me from finding out if removing that fetus on your face truly is lethal to your health!"

"Okay, so that's 2 dollars," The bus driver said. Ike paid the driver and took a seat.

"Are you visiting from another state too?" The elderly man beside him asked.

"Yes."

"Ah yes, the west states are nice at this time of year. I heard that Europe is going to have its summer solstice soon," He looked at Ike, "legend has it that every solstice, in the right place, at the right time, supernatural phenomenons occur."

"…I poop my pants." Said Ike.

"I know it's fascinating."


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

The grass around Einstein's house swayed in the cool night-time breeze. The stars were everywhere in the sky and the devise that the theologists left on the ground began to glow again. It sparkled and vibrate until a beam of light shot out of the devise and straight up into the starry sky.

The beam continued going up until there was an explosion in the heavens and something fell from the sky onto the planet. The object collided with the earth, leaving a huge crater in the process.

Through the smoke, something flew out of the crater and into the night.

"Now why can't this thing give me coffee," Rhinestone muttered to himself as tried to figure out what was wrong with the coffee machine, "I tell ya, if I don't get my coffee soon, we're gonna have a serious problem."

"Professor Rhinestone!" Eisen rushed into the tent, "You gotta see the news!"

"Looks like my coffee will have to wait," He followed Eisen to the computer, "that coffee machine was lucky. We were gonna have a serious problem. What is so important on the news anyway?"

"Just watch." Rhinestone looked at the reporter on the screen who was next to what looked like a crater.

"I'm standing next to this crater that has appeared in this area less than two hours ago,"

Said the reporter, "there was nothing inside the crater however. For some of you that remember the shooting star phenomenon of 1948 to 1992, this is the first time in ten years that something like this has happened."

"See," Eisen said, "He said that this happened before from 1948 to 1992. Do you realise what this means?"

"I do," Rhinestone replied, "it means that Winnates was right about Einstein all along."

He looked at the sky. Although he was relieved by this statement, he also knew that the worst part was just beginning.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


End file.
